we should have left our love in the gutter where we found it
by The Crownless Queen
Summary: Buried deep in Narcissa's jewelry box lies a glass necklace that Remus gave her, back when they were young and free. She never wears it, but she takes it out sometimes, and lets the memories come.


For the Your Jouney Begins Competition on The Golden Snitch Forum, using the following prompts: (song) 'Turn Our Eyes Away' –Trent Dabbs, (word) diamond, (dialogue) "I used to think I had everything, and then I met you."

 **we should have left our love in the gutter where we found it**

' _But I thirst for truth / For what I've never tasted / And it calls to me again / The comfort of the sin.'  
– Turn Our Eyes Away, Trent Dabbs_

Buried deep into Narcissa's jewelry box, beneath glittering diamond earring and precious pearl necklaces, lays Narcissa's favorite piece of jewelry, and one she unfortunately never gets to wear.

It's beautiful in its simplicity, though anyone she knows these days would sneer at that, a simple glass pendant cut in the shape of a star hanging from a thin black ribbon. The glass has been charmed to be unbreakable, of course, and the ribbon will never snap, but still, it's impossible for Narcissa not to consider this piece too fragile to wear.

Not for its capacity to break, no, but rather for the memories it contains.

 **.x.**

Narcissa learns she is betrothed to Lucius Malfoy on a sunny Monday morning. Of course, she had heard whispers before, both from the boys at Hogwarts and from her family, but still, to know for sure is something entirely different.

It feels like an ending somehow, like without her noticing someone slipped a noose around her neck and tightened it slowly so that she's only noticing it now, once it's too late to get it off.

The letter sits on the breakfast table like it's mocking her, her parents' words, meant to be reassuring she is sure, falling short on that account.

She plasters a smile on her face – 'a proper Black never shows their true emotions', her mother's voice echoes in her mind, a whisper she can never quite shake – and hopes that this day will get better.

It does, and it doesn't.

There is an accident in Potions – one of the Gryffindors, undoubtedly trying to play some sort of prank on their Slytherin enemies, throws a Valerian root in Narcissa's cauldron, and she notices it too late to do anything about it.

The Potion explodes, covering her in hot, moist liquid that starts to burn away her skin immediately and leaves painful sores where it doesn't, the fumes making her lungs itch, and Slughorn sends her to the Hospital Wing immediately after he vanishes as much of the Potion as he can.

So, in that way, her day doesn't get any better, and even gets worse, though getting to skip the History of Magic class she has after is a bonus.

However, if she hadn't been subjected to that incident, she'd never have been in the Hospital Wing at the same time as Remus Lupin, and they'd never have gotten around to talking.

And oh, how she'd have regretted that.

 **.x.**

It's Hogwarts' best worst kept secret that Remus Lupin is actually a werewolf.

Narcissa isn't sure how many people have figured out, or how many of the teachers know, but she's sure it's more than Lupin thinks, and probably even more than Narcissa herself suspects.

But still, Lupin's harmless most of the time, and so Narcissa, as well as most of those in her House who know too, has taken a wait and see approach.

After all, who knows when – not if, because all information becomes useful one day – knowing a werewolf might prove to be advantageous?

Still, all this is why Narcissa isn't surprised at all to see Lupin a few beds across from her, covered in almost as many bandages and ointments as her.

And that's what starts it, isn't it? This realization that while they'll probably get out of there around the same time, Lupin will be back there every month for the rest of life.

Something in her chest tightens, and she feels like she needs to say something. It's not like her, and maybe usually she wouldn't dare to talk with someone everyone in her family – except Sirius apparently, whose rebellion keeps reaching new heights – would disapprove of.

And perhaps in another world she wouldn't have. In fact, any other day, she probably wouldn't have, but today was the first day of the rest of her life, or so it felt, and Narcissa feels like that means she gets to do something most of her family or acquaintances wouldn't approve of.

She does something for herself, for once.

"So, did you get mauled by some rabid animal, or was it a prank gone wrong?" Narcissa asks, shifting in her bed until she's facing the brown-haired Gryffindor.

Lupin startles so badly Narcissa's surprised he doesn't fall out of bed.

"Ah, no," he answers sheepishly after a small pause. "None of those I'm afraid, just an unfortunate accident." He chuckles awkwardly, his hands clenching the sheets and then smoothing out the creases he created.

Narcissa could push, could reveal what she knows, but what would be the point? She allows the Gryffindor his escape, and sighs.

"I know what that's like," she replies, gesturing as carefully as she can as so not to pull on her still healing skin. "A Potion exploded on me," she explains, her voice tight with suppressed anger.

"I'm sorry," Lupin winces, and Narcissa's surprised to find that he's sincere about that.

"Thank you," she nods graciously. There's a moment of silence before Narcissa speaks again. "I didn't expect to see you here alone – no doubt your friends aren't above skipping some classes to keep you company here."

Indeed, it's a pattern Narcissa has noticed a long time ago. Whenever one of these _Marauders_ ends up in the Hospital Wing, he's never alone there for long, either because they visit him, sneaking in and out through some unknown means, or because they try to go for a _longer kind of stay_.

"I, err, made them leave," Lupin stammers out, blushing. "Besides, they can hardly skip class whenever I'm sick – that's not conductive to a proper education."

Narcissa surprises herself by laughing at those words. "True. But trust me, if anyone could find a way to graduate from Hogwarts without working for it, it would be Sirius. And," she adds, her tone slightly bitter, "they're your friends, of course they'll help."

Lupin nods awkwardly. "That they are." He frowns, and his mouth opens a little, like he's just remembered something important. "That's right, you're Sirius' cousin, aren't you?"

"I am," Narcissa confirms. "I take it he doesn't speak about me much."

Lupin winces. "Sorry, no."

"That's fine," Narcissa sighs. "I'd rather he didn't talk about me than hear him say the same things he says about the rest of our family."

"You know about that?" Lupin seems decidedly awkward now, and if it was any other subject, Narcissa would smirk at having unsettled him so easily.

"Of course. Lupin, everyone knows about Sirius' thoughts about us, how we're all Dark Lords in the making or Death Eaters already." She rolls her eyes, biting her tongue to stop the more scathing remarks she has to say about her cousin's views.

Yes, their family might not be perfect, and some of the views Sirius' been exposed to are a bit extreme, but it's still the only family they've got. She doesn't understand how he can turn his back on that so easily.

"It's Remus." Lupin's voice startles her out of her thoughts.

"I beg your pardon?"

"My name. It's Remus, not Lupin. You should use it," he says, a core of steel in his voice that she hadn't expected from his usual shy behavior.

"Fine, _Remus_. You can call me Narcissa then."

Remus smiles victoriously, and they spend the rest of the day chatting the hours away, their discussion only interrupted by brief visits from her sister and classmates on her part, and his friends on his'.

 _(but here's the thing – for every victor there is a loser too, and in this Narcissa won't realize that she's fallen until it's much too late to do anything about it)_

 **.x.**

They meet in the Library, study together in the only place where two students from such different Houses as Slytherin and Gryffindor sitting next to each other doesn't draw too much attention.

Remus is impossibly clever, Narcissa finds.

"How are you not in Ravenclaw?" She complains one time after he explains to her a Transfiguration's concept she had been struggling with for weeks.

"The Hat considered it," Remus admits with an embarrassed look, shuffling some papers around to busy his hands, "but I guess in the end I was better suited for Gryffindor than for anywhere else."

"Well, Gryffindor or not, I'm claiming you as my study buddy from now on. I can't believe you made me understand what's McGonagall's been trying to for the last three lessons in less than half an hour. You should become a teacher," she adds absentmindedly, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear as she orders her notes around.

Remus laughs, but his eyes are sad. "Yeah, maybe," he evades. "So, anything else you want me to help you with, study buddy," he jokes, and just lie that the moment passes.

"Well, since you're so eager to help, there are a couple of things in Herbology I didn't quite get…"

Remus laughs again, and this time it sounds true. Something in Narcissa's stomach thrills with joy at that accomplishment, and she smiles. They bump elbows, look at each other, and _oh_.

What has she done?

Narcissa blanches and jerks away, ignoring Remus' distressed calls for her.

 **.x.**

Unexpectedly, it's Sirius who corners her. She hadn't realized how tall and imposing he had gotten until he's towering over her, glowering.

"I don't care what kind of fight you and Remus had, but you better fix it. I let the two of you hang out because I figured anyone who made him happy couldn't be so bad, but if it turns out that this is just another one of your Slytherin ploys, Merlin help me…"

Narcissa rolls her eyes so hard it hurts.

"You _let us hang out_ ," she repeats disbelievingly, her voice freezing cold. "I'm sorry, cousin, but I wasn't aware that my affairs, or Remus' were any of your business. Now, if you would let me pass… I believe that you're blocking the way to my next lesson, and I'd hate to have to explain to McGonagall why I was late."

She moves to leave but he grabs her arm, his grip bruising.

" _Let go of me_ ," she spits out, wiping out her wand and pointing it at his chest, the tip a sick yellow.

He releases her arm like she burned him.

"Remus and I's affairs are none of your business, and I would _appreciate_ it if you would treat them as such," she says, her tone still full of acid, her heart beating rapidly.

"You like him," Sirius whispers, his eyes wide in surprise.

Narcissa struggles to control her blush, but nods quickly, just the once.

She knows just what Sirius is thinking – how could she, how did this happen, what would her parents say, and more importantly, what now?

She knows, because the same thoughts are crossing her mind too. There is nothing he could say that she hasn't thought of already, and so she leaves, Sirius too stunned to make a move to stop her.

 **.x.**

Remus finds her outside the next day, in that small private place she had told him about weeks ago.

She's never told anyone about this retreat of hers, and telling Remus felt so natural that she hadn't given it a second thought.

He settles down silently beside her, the few inches between their bodies warming up quickly.

"You know, I used to think I had everything, and then I met you," Narcissa admits quietly, her tone somehow both bitter and full of wonder.

"I'm afraid I can't say the same," Remus admits quietly, smiling softly. "But you have changed my life."

"I know," she whispers, reaching for his hand, and finding it as warm and callused as she had imagined. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I like my life with you in it better."

Her grip on his hand grows tighter. This is the moment where she has to confess, has to _tell_ him that she can't do this, no matter how much she wishes to.

"I can't – I'm not my sister, I'm not Sirius, I can't rebel, I can't leave them behind, I can't…" She starts to hyperventilate, but Remus brings her out of it, tracing circles softly on the back of her hand until she gets her breathing back under control.

"I'd never ask you to," Remus answers with a sad smile. "I know how important they are to you."

Narcissa collapses against him in relief. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," he replies, tucking her head beneath his chin.

But that's not everything Narcissa has to confess to. "I'm betrothed to Lucius Malfoys," she whispers, feeling each word as if they were the nails in her coffin.

"I know," Remus whispers back, his tone just as defeated. "Sirius told me."

"You _know_?" She jerks away, the only thing holding her in place being his arms around her.

"I'm sorry," and Narcissa thinks that even he isn't sure if he's apologizing for her having to marry someone her parents chose or for learning about it from her cousin.

"It's fine," Narcissa sighs. "Well, it's not, but you get my meaning," she adds, letting out a bark of forced laughter.

They stay there for a while, warm and silent. It feels like their own little haven in the middle of a storm Narcissa can only guess at, and she never wants to leave.

"You know… Lucius' not here," Remus finally whispers as they move to return to the castle.

"He's not," she confirms, hope blooming inside her chest.

"So what do you say, Narcissa Black? Be mine for as long as we can have this?"

His smiles, a crooked thing that she can't help but kiss away.

It tastes like ashes, it tastes like sin – Merlin, she can never get enough of him.

"Yes," she whispers against his lips, and she only lets go of his hand when they get within sight of other students.

 **.x.**

He gives her the necklace that Christmas, a small silvery package he watches her open in the Library, and she promises to cherish it always.

They steal as many moments as they can, but it never feels like it's enough. Time runs out on them, like it was always going to, and eventually, they have to put an end to their story.

Unfortunately, putting an end to their feelings is a much harder thing to do.

Impossible on her part, in fact.

 **.x.**

Back in the present, Narcisse closes the box, sealing both the necklace and the memories back within its depths.

At least, until the next time she needs to remember.


End file.
